Saturday, May 28, 2011

soon and very soon

For the last few years, our crib has lived at my mom's house.  There wasn't any sense in it gathering dust here and she used it for my brother's kids when they came to visit.  But, since the Griz is getting bigger by the minute and rapidly outgrowing the bassinet, it was time to bring the crib home.  Good timing, really since the Big Sarge will be home in the next few weeks and there's probably not enough room for me, the Griz and the Sarge in a double bed.  Maybe back when Big Sarge and Mama were a bit skinnier, but now, perhaps not so much.....

So, job done - crib disassembled, moved and re-assembled.  I rock.  Yes, I do. 

And now, there it sits.

A large, obtrusive reminder that mid-tour leave is nearly upon us.  The monkeys are excited.  The Sarge is excited.  I'm.....scared to death.  I've been alone for over five months now.  And I'm tired, and a little harried.  But, I'm making it.  I always do. 

Since we've been married, the Big Sarge has often been away, or worked crazy hours or been on orders.  We lived through several years of his being a National Guard recruiter.  This equals crazy hours, always being available and taking appointments whenever and wherever you can get them.  Then the first 362 day deployment.  Then a few months of a civilian job where Sarge was home every night, but not making good money, so I worked at night.  Then a job in the mobilization cell at Indiantown Gap where we averaged two nights a week and every other weekend with him home.  Then last year, he was at Ft Dix for what amounted to almost 7 months when you added it all together.  And now deployment #2. 

dropping the Sarge!
I'm good at being on my own.  And not so good at having him here.

Most people think that the hardest thing would be to let someone else make the every day decisions that I can make all by myself - and do make all by myself.  But for me, that's not really a big deal - it's actually a relief to have someone else hand out consequences, tell Firecracker if she's allowed to wear stripes and plaid together and tell me where they are going to drive me to eat supper. 

And our life is so chaotic and our house such a pig sty that there's very little order that can be disordered around here. 

For me, it's a heart issue.  Too much time alone cultivates a hard heart in me.  A heart that doesn't really want to need anyone.  A heart would just rather be left alone.  This is not exactly a healthy approach to marriage...

So, I'm striving to un-harden this heart of stone.....and I really want to succeed.  I really want us to have a good two weeks.   I really want the Sarge to head back to the sandbox knowing that he is loved, honored and respected.  I really want to do this well. 

Prayer gratefully accepted.

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